I started a new job last week.

The terms set include 60 days of in-person training followed by remote work. Standard in theory. However, my short time with the company has revealed an ulterior motive to this model.

Every day at 12:30PM, and sometimes also at 9:30AM, a cart bearing a feast fit for Hoboken kings is rolled into the open work space where the new hires marinate in blue light. Chick-fil-a one day, Chickie’s and Pete’s the next. You would think a heist has been performed on Citizen’s Bank Park.

While the image of a mountain of nuggets may be considered crude, it would be even more crude for a 20-something on a tight budget to deny free food. And so, I leave my meal-prepped chicken and rice to fend for itself in the fridge for one more day.

Within a few short days, my surprise is replaced with anticipation. I stop meal prepping lunches and even dinners knowing I will be sent home with 2 leftover spicy chicken sandwiches and cupcakes celebrating the birthday of a colleague I will never meet. Really, it feels like they are celebrating a recess in the horror flick that is my budgeting spreadsheet.

Yet, it does not take long for this fairytale to reveal its ugly backside.

At first, the candy bowls are unassuming, particularly in the month of October. But then the tip off from a colleague: these bowls are not a seasonal feature. And suddenly, your perspective changes…

You begin to notice the strategic placement of temptations at every entrance to the “work space”, the instant refill of sweet-filled bowls upon being consumed to half capacity, the inclusion of both chocolatey and sour treats to cater to all palettes.

And that’s when you realized you are being Hansel and Gretel-d.

In 60 days, a low-weight human like myself can gain 16 pounds (nikrib0 via Reddit). With a constant supply of free treats and a job that gifts me with anterior pelvic tilt, no problem.

But after 60 days, they work “remote”? What does “remote work” even mean? From where I’m sitting, it seems to mean they leave the office to never return again. Do not attempt to delude yourselves into thinking they’re out there somewhere living happy and healthy lives because they’re not. They are being eaten.